My celebrity family

by Brian Keaney

My mother has decided, she told me the other day, that if I am OK with telling my newlywed sister that I want a nephew, she is OK with telling me that she wants a daughter-in-law.  I don’t quite understand why seeing as she already has two daughters of her own, but reminded her that one of them is still unwed, and that gay marriage is legal here in the Commonwealth.  Surprisingly, that did little to comfort here.

Much like the great Ferris Bueller, I used to think that my family was the only one with weirdness in it.  The more I travel around the sun, however, the more I realize just how relatively normal they are.   Several months ago I was getting a free meal visiting my parents when I heard my mother cry out, “Oh no!”  When I inquired what was wrong, she told me that “DiNozzo got an earring.”  I asked why she let herself get so emotionally involved in the nonsense she watches on television, and she reminded me of how often I will scream at the TV after a dropped pass or bad call by an official.

More recently, she told me that DiNozzo, of the television program NCIS, reminds her of me.  I thought it would be because of my dashing good looks, encyclopedic memory of all things cinema, or my way with women.  Not so much.  Turns out all the sarcastic remarks he spits out on TV are what make my ears burn.  I told her that I thought I was more like the doctor on the show since everything reminds me of a story.  As evidence, this blog post is only three paragraphs old and I am already three stories deep.

It is my youngest sister that reminded me of a character on the show, however.  Both the forensic scientist and Lauren are soft as a grape.  Take away the goth couture, and you would have my baby sister down to a T.  She who bore me laughed, agreed, and then added that Gibbs was just like my father.  She wasn’t too far off the mark, but I think I have an even better fictional character to whom I can compare him.

While watching the latest Indiana Jones film, it struck me that my father would respond in every situation almost exactly as Indy did.  I now want to go back and see if I find the same thing in the three earlier films, or if this was just a fluke of the screenplay.  Yea, that’s right.  My dad is just like Indiana Jones.  He’s clearly cooler than your dad.

Finally, to wrap this all up, I want to show a video that is sure to scar everyone.  Not so long ago, I mentioned that “my grandmother had to explain to me who Kim Kardashian was and why she was famous, and I’m still not sure as to the latter.”  Fortunately, the words “sex tape” never up, but tragically, that means she was the first person I thought of when I saw the following video.

Be warned, it is not for the faint of heart.